I Hate To Start A Day Like This!

Do you know we don’t have stable emotions? They are waxing and waning, sometimes we are happy and sometimes depressed. When we are depressed the world is all dark. Everything is horrible; the black glass on your eyes gives a dark picture of the world around you. But if you remove this nasty glass, then everything is lovely. Sometimes, or maybe most the times I suffer from this waxing and waning in my emotions.
What I wrote below is an example of it:
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I Hate To Start A Day Like This!
Tomorrow is another day to start and I hate to start it as I have to. I have to go to work and office, and do the usual dull and boring tasks. Tomorrow again I have to meet those monitors, whom I hate to answer tiresome questions. Tomorrow again I have to set on that horrible chair and answer those annoying emails. Tomorrow again I have to go and shout on staff for the usual faults they do, and tomorrow again I gave to listen to dozens of complains I receive from patients, their visitors and other people.
I hate to start a day like that!
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Evening:
It was a nice day. I went to work and office, and enjoyed all what I did. I participated in a meeting in Public Health Department, which was wonderful. Monitors were brilliant people. I had no email to answer except for one or two lovely ones. All of staff did their job in a best way. I had no complaints from people.
I love to have a day like that!

I love to be crazy!

My boss thinks I have gone crazy! You know why? Because I am wasting my time (as he says) walking in bloggers world when I am free. As I find something interesting I make him listen for me while I read with pleasure. At the end he laughs and says “Great! Another madness but that was not too bad”, and I continue to walk in my crazy world. I feel comfortable and happy when I am crazy!!! I feel I am flying in the lovely blue sky, touching the beautiful white clouds and singing with cheers of birds, and this makes life fantastic and lovely. But when I am come back to the real life, and see I am back in the ground, way down from the blue sky, no more beautiful white clouds but dark and scary ones, no more cheers of birds except the horrible songs of craws and then I look to myself to be a wise fine person, I hope to be always crazy in the crazy world.

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I love my ugly Flowers

Today I was blog hopping. I came across some lovely ones. Entering those blogs I found myself in a beautiful garden with nice green trees, lovely red flowers and pleasant songs of birds. I went to smell every flower and I was jumping from one rose to another. As I was thinking about the gardener, and thinking myself to be a kind of gardener of my own blog, I found myself very small and to be honest I lost myself. I was jealous for lovely roses I was smelling. I was thinking why mines weren’t as beautiful as those were. And this made me upset. I was thinking I was gardener of my blog and posts, and if they are not well grown it is my faults. But where were the faults? When I was writing by what faults did my posts become so ugly? I went back to my posts, and to my surprise I found them more beautiful than they were. Yes those ugly ones were looking amazingly lovely to me. That was because I was like a mother to them. Though I knew that mines were not as pretty as others, but I still love them.

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Why sometimes we are not honest to our friends?

That is because we are afraid of truth. We don’t have the courage to stay with reality; we love to stay with our imaginations. We don’t have the courage to say no or yes to keep up with the honesty. We modify the honesty with our bias. Most of the time we think the truth may make our friends unhappy. So we lie to them, and to make that lie truth, we make more lies. And these lies give birth to most of conflicts.
Some days ago I found myself in a strange situation. I found one of my friends in a wrong path. I was trying to correct him, but then I was thinking that it may make him unhappy, because he was thinking that the wrong path was absolutely the right way. Bearing this idea in mind, I stopped. But then I was thinking why I did not correct him, and found that I did not have the courage to say him the truth. So I promised with myself to find that courage talking about truth. So I started speaking to him, but at the middle I found that he was in discomfort, and I automatically changed and started speaking about his strong points and he was happy. When I was alone, I was angry with myself that why I lost the battle so soon.
Are we the same with all of our friends? No………We are trying to make those people happy who are very important to us. But those whom we think that we are more important to them, then we are the other extreme. We make them to change to what we think is right, we don’t even care if they will get upset or unhappy. And these friends don’t have the courage to say that we are wrong, because we may become unhappy.
So to do good things and to say truth we need courage.

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Beautiful Samangan with Bahlol, our lab technician

Bidding in office.......

I am setting in my office, down in the yard there is noise; “this one 200 Afghanis for me………and this one 1200 Afghanis……….” I looked to my boss “Sir, what is the noise down there?” He laughs: “well, I have asked logistic department to sell all old and broken equipment. Now the market is very hot….I hope they won’t break each other’s heads, hahahaha” I look down to the yard from the window. Yes, there is some of our office staff with old, broken chairs, cabinet, fan, and refrigerator. It is interesting to me and I ask my boss “Sir, this market is fantastic, shouldn’t we take part in it and see what is going from near” and he replies “ha, good idea, let’s go”. On the way downstairs we see logistic officer and my boss asks “how did you put those prices on those broken items?” He answers “well sir, we did it with help of Dr Nazari. He was our fake costumer; he started the bidding, and now the real costumers are offering better bids.” and we all laugh. We go to the place where bidding is ongoing. In the middle there are the equipment and the costumers are around. When our staff sees us, they all start laughing, and we laugh too. But to the corner is our guard looking angry and unhappy. I ask why he is unhappy and someone answers “He removed all these items from the stock and brought to the yard with the hope that he would receive some of them free, but now on everything there is a price, so he is unhappy” Our boss says “he will receive what he wants free” and all plastic chairs are given free to all guards. Now everyone is happy and laughing. At the end the one of our staff wins the bid and buys all the remaining equipment.

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I promissed to be a good doctor but........

When I was in Samangan, I was supposed to be oncall 24 hours………sometimes I lost my temper, and become very cruel to people……….the same was my colleague; Dr Hazim………. Quarrel with people happened several times, and every time just after the argument, we realized our mistake and become so upset that made us cruel to our own………… finally we found the courage to bring this mistake to each other…………. Since we were the leaders in the hospital and knew that our behavior will affect the behavior of our subordinates, we promised to find more tolerance and to have more control on our emotions…… but what happened next day made me break my promise. A young pregnant lady was brought to hospital with bleeding and prolonged labor, after workup we found that she was candidate for C-Secion…………consent was taken from husband and relatives were asked to arrange blood…….. since it was an emergency case Dr Hazim toke the OT while I got the responsibility to find blood for the patient………. The only person with the same blood was mother……but she refused to donate…..I was explaining that with donating blood she would not be harmed and she would save life her daughter…… but to my surprise both father and mother was pointing to their son in law that it should be him that would lose his wife and he need to find blood. Several times during this argument I lost my patience and become angry but soon I remembered my promise and acted to be calm………..finally I toke father to a private place and said “ is your wife having monthly periods? Is she losing blood in her periods?” he said “yes. Lots of blood……..” and I said “ so we are going to take the blood that she is losing monthly………” saying this he agreed and after a brief talk to her wife she also agreed……..and I asked a nurse to get prepared for blood transfusion…..a minute letter the nurse came back to me that they have changed their decision……..father came to me with a great anger “doctor you promised that you will use blood that my wife is losing monthly………but your nurse wants to take blood from her arm…………… if my daughter is going to die………I don’t want to lose my wife…………” I could not control myself and take from arm of the father and toke him out of hospital and warned him never to come back to the hospital to see her daughter………. Still when I remember the way I behaved, I feel sorry…….and I would be felling sorry as long as I remember.
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I am escaping!!! hahahah!!!

Sometimes when you get a job with a better position, you are happy and work with an interest, but there are times that you have a good position, but you hope you would have been in the lowest post. That is because you see that something is going wrong, but you cannot stop it. You are in the position with authority, but still you need to consider the outcome of your decision, so it won’t be worse than the previous wrong thing. Here is the same with me…… Many things are going wrong here………..and I have to take strong decisions………..but I am not doing so……..why? I think that the outcome would be awful. What should I do? I have two options; either change the way I think about outcome of my decisions or leave the post. I think the second one is easier…………..am I escaping from the problems? Maybe……..
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I am bored........

It is rainy and cloudy today. It looks almost like a night. And maybe it IS night. I am alone in my office. Sometimes I love to be alone, and sometimes it very boring to be away from friends and colleagues. I don’t know what to do…………when I start reading, I cannot, because I don’t want to. I start to write, and then I stop in the middle. I have installed a game on my computer,“Wolfenstein”, very interesting, to waste time, and still I don’t feel ok. So what to do???????????? I don’t know………… Here it is…..My writing mood also finished, hay wait! I have to write……….….

Me and the young hard working man, what is the difference?

Today when I got out going to my private office I saw a young man working hardly to break a big rock. He was a labor working for construction of a house, and sweat was running from his face head and forehead. There was sign of blood on his leg, meaning he was injured during the work. I was thinking with myself, that doing so hard job under the burning sun, how much he would be paid. And then I thought about my own. I spent all my day in a cool room, on comfortable sofa and behind a computer. I had delicious dinner, and hot tea. When I was coming out cleaner had brushed my shoes nicely. I looked myself in the mirror if dressed ok. Doing relatively comfortable job I get good pay. The young man working outside was also a human being, he was working harder than me under the burning sun with empty stomach, and the cash he receives could not be compared with mine. Why is that? Is it justice? Maybe I will say I get paid for the profession I have, I am a doctor!!!??? But can it be a good reason??? I was talking about the same story some months ago with my director; he also did not have a good reason. He laughed at me and said “Well, I don’t know. The guard and the cooks are working harder than me. I am sitting behind a computer relaxed, and I still get good pay. I don’t know if that is right, but I like my salary” But still I don’t have a good logic for this discrepancy. What I know is “I don’t want to be paid the same as that hard working young man was paid.” If you have any logic for this please write in comments.

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